A Partner's Perspective: Supporting a Loved One In Recovery

When collaborating with the partners and loved ones of my clients, I’m often asked: “What can I do to help?” As a clinician, I could not appreciate this question more- it suggests my client has a motivated and willing support system by their side, which can be invaluable to a lasting recovery.

Who better to answer this question then someone who’s actually been there? In hopes of shedding insight into this arena, I asked the partner of an adult in the later-phases of eating disorder recovery to share what he's learned about supporting a loved one through treatment. Here’s a look into what he had to say:

1) Communication is everything. Talk openly with your partner. Ask them for input on helpful questions to ask or feedback to give. Sometimes what you think will be the most helpful thing to say may in fact be the most triggering. 

2) Do your best to separate your partner from their eating disorder. Recovery can and will do a number on your partner emotionally, which for my partner occasionally meant “lashing out”. It was helpful for me to recognize this as her “eating disorder voice” taking over. This didn’t excuse hurtful comments, but it helped me hold important recovery boundaries and avoid personalizing certain reactions.  

3) In our particular case, it was helpful for me to have some awareness bot of the basics of her meal plan and how her disorder manifests in ways I might not realize. This way I could notice when she may be cutting corners or engaging subtle body-checking behaviors. With the knowledge that these behaviors reflect a deeper internal experience, I could compassionately check-in with what was going on for her, and how I may be able to support her around that. 

4) Remind yourself your partner has to want to get better. You cannot take ownership of his/her recovery, and you cannot work harder they do. This can be one of the hardest parts to let go of, but is one of the most vital.

5) Find what motivates them. Eating disorders are largely about “control," so avoid trying to coerce your partner into doing recovery-oriented actions as much as possible. Try instead focusing on what motivates them. Have a conversation about what values, goals, and dreams inspire them to want to get better, especially those that may not be possible if they continue with disordered patterns. Gently remind them of those things when they are tempted to engage disordered behaviors.

6) Reinforce that you love them no matter what. It may be obvious to you, but your partner is going through a lot of emotional and physical changes which innately trigger fear and insecurity.  Hearing that you love them and are proud of them can sometimes be the extra "push" of validation they need. *Pro-tip: When body image issues come up, turn the focus toward what their body enables them to do (e.g. walk up stairs, take in beautiful sights, embrace loved ones, etc.), vs aesthetics. Or, have a conversation ahead of time about helpful ways you can encourage them to distract themselves away from these types of unhelpful thoughts. 

7) Celebrate the small victories. Recovery can feel like a never-ending series of challenges and setbacks. Your partner may struggle with feeling like “you don’t get it”- which you don’t. Finding a balance of acknowledging how difficult you imagine the process must be, and pointing out the small victories can go a long way.

8) If your partner struggles with compulsive exercise like mine does, support them in holding healthy boundaries. Explore with them if the exercise is motivated by enjoyment or if it’s a form of “punishment” or compensation for food. My partner learned it is helpful for me to ask: "Would you still do this exercise even if you knew it would have no effect on your outward appearance?" This helps my partner differentiate between productive and compulsive exercise urges.

9) Practice patience. For yourself and your partner. In recovery you’ll hear the terms “journey" and "process" used a lot. This is because recovery takes time and needs to run its course. In some ways, it is a lifelong thing. But remember, a lot of what you are currently going through is temporary, and, in the end, it'll be worth it for the both of you.

10) Take care of yourself, too.  Though in a different way than your partner, this process will be challenging for you. Make sure to prioritize your own self-care, checking in with your own emotional and practical needs. You’re no good to yourself or your partner if you don't actively care for yourself.

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